Thursday, October 02, 2008

Review of BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (The Movie, Not The TV Show) By Punkin Nightshade

Hey, y'all, and Happy Halloween out there! My name's Petronella Nightshade, but everbody calls me Punkin, and I am speakin to you through this here computer blog. We welcome you to The MonsterGrrls' 31 Days Of Halloween, which is us and our Mad Doctor (Mr. John) celebratin the season with a whole bunch of stuff, reviewin horror movies and writin essays and first one thing and then another, and we's all puttin it up on this blog all month. This here is my first review of a movin picture, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and the reason I am doin it is cause Bethany read the title and didn't want to do it, even though it had vampires in it. I think it had somethin to do with the words vampire and slayer, and them bein so close together. Since Bethany is a vampire you can see how she wouldn't care for somethin like that. But she told me all about how to do movin picture reviewin, so I am givin it a go.

Vampires is uncommon strange folk. It's all that havin to be inside all the time durin the day and never seein the sun, I think. It wears on a body and gives them strange notions, and though most vampires I know in Morlock Heights has become fairly civilized, ever now and then you run across one of them that's got wrong in the head.
The main vampire in this picture, Lothos, is like that, struttin around and posturin and talkin about destroyin the world. But I am gettin ahead of myself.

This picture starts with a girl, name of Buffy Summers, who is what educated folks call a Typical Teen. She lives
out in California and is on the cheerleadin squad at her school, which means that she has a bunch of popular friends, a handsome feller who plays basketball on the school team, and goes out shoppin at the mall a lot. Everthing's fine until this shabby lookin feller called Merrick comes round and tells her that she's got her a destiny, which is to be a Slayer of vampires. But Buffy don't want to be no Slayer; instead she wants to do somethin else, and she tells Merrick that she ain't gonna be no Slayer and he got him the wrong girl. Merrick says she's got her a birthmark that says she's s'posed to be the Slayer, and Buffy tells him that she went round the doctor's and got it took off. Well, poor old Merrick just about faints at that, but he takes her out to the graveyard where a vampire's risin up, and even though she don't know what she's doin she kills it and finds out that not only is she a Slayer but durn good at it. Merrick tells her that she's got to start trainin, cause somethin bad's comin. And that somethin is Lothos, who's wantin to destroy the world with his mean old self and has got him up a whole passel of vampires, includin this one little feller named Amilyn who is like Lothos' best buddy and goes around for half the picture with just one arm cause this other feller named Pike that Amilyn thought he was gonna eat started fightin him and tore his arm off. Which is just what I would have done, cause I wouldn't want no vampire tryin to eat me, and anyway old Amilyn was more concerned about his jacket gettin tore up than losin his arm, which is just plain silly. I guess vampires is different out in California.

Anyhow, Pike, who ain't popular like all of Buffy's friends, starts hangin out with Buffy cause he's the only other one that knows about the vampires, and pretty soon Buffy starts likin him instead of the basketball-playin boyfriend, which is how things usually go when you meet someone that you got somethin in common with. She spends a lot of time savin his behind from evil stuff too, cause in most horror pictures it is usually the feller who saves the pretty girl, but since Buffy is a Slayer and got supernatural powers and all, in this picture it is different. When Lothos kills Merrick in front of Buffy, she knows somethin has to be done. She's got to get him, and get him she does, in a big old showdown at the school dance.

Kristy Swanson plays Buffy, Donald Sutherland is playin Merrick, and Rutger Hauer plays old Lothos. Luke Perry is the one that's playin Pike, who I thought was more interestin and a better match for Buffy than the feller what played basketball. Paul Reubens plays the little feller Amilyn, and I read up some on him and found out that for a long time he was playin this oddball feller in a suit named Pee-Wee Herman, and so I guess he was playin a vampire cause he wanted to do somethin else for a while. But in this movie he had a Stanislavski moment, cause when Bethany was tellin me how to write reviews she told me all about this feller named Stanislavski who was this great actin teacher and everbody wanted to study under him, and so when Amilyn gets staked by Buffy and dies he starts rockin back and forth and clutchin his chest and rollin his eyes and goin oooh eeee arrrooowww like some big old cat, so I decided he was havin a Stanislavski moment. It was one of the best parts of the picture, to my mind.

This movin picture wasn't no big hit when it came out like Star Wars or somethin, but there was them that really did like it, and after seein it I am one of them. Joss Whedon, who's the feller what created Buffy and wrote the picture, went on and got to do a TV show with it, and it got real popular and had T-shirts and posters and dime novels and DVDs and funnybooks and them little action figures that folks buy and don't take out of the package, and all kind of stuff about Buffy. So I figure old Buffy did all right for herself, even if Bethany did call her a bunch of names that I can't write down here because young ones might be readin this. Anyhow, I am done here with this review and hope y'all like it. Blessings be to all of you, and see you soon cause I will be writin some more this month.

Petronella Nightshade