ATTACK OF THE HORROR HOSTS: JOHN DIMES AND DOCTOR SARCOFIGUY By Bethany Ruthven

Good evening, darlings, and thank you for reading. The year has come round again, and I welcome you all to this year's edition of The MonsterGrrls' Thir13en For Halloween, where we are showcasing the Attack Of The Horror Hosts! This evening's interview is with a most interesting gentleman named John Dimes, who also seems to be known as the bizarre yet befuddled Dr. Sarcofiguy, host of Spooky Movie Television, which screens short films from the Spooky Movie International Horror Film Festival in Washington, D.C. In addition to SMT, Mr. Dimes is also an author, performer, humorist, and graphic designer with several works to his credit--something of a Renaissance man among his horror host brethen. I had the pleasure of interviewing Mr. Dimes to get the full story on his work and his real connection with the mysterious Dr. Sarcofiguy, so I invite you to join us as we begin our Halloween party for 2011, and listen in to my chat with Mr. Dimes. Or is it actually Dr. Sarcofiguy? Read on...

Darling, thank you so much for participating in THE MONSTERGRRLS' THIR13EN FOR HALLOWEEN. Please tell us about yourself and what you do.

My name is Elmer Fudd, millionaire. I own a mansion and a yacht!

You sodding well aren’t. Cheeky bugger.

(Laughs) Er--wait, wait. My name is John Dimes, and I'm a Writer/Graphic Designer/Songwriter/Entertainer. I used to perform stand up comedy, which meant I was funny in front of people. Now I'm funny behind people's back. Occasionally I'm funny smellin'. The level of my olfactory offenses depends, of course, on the season (I love the winter! You have to be pretty pungent to smell stuff in the Winter), and how much it rains. That hurricane Irene had me smelling like damp earth and fallen rose trellises for several weeks.

I've also been in several bands. My favorite: STUDS U.K. Mind you, I'm not British, and neither were my band mates. But we were undeterred.

I see. Well, I have spoken at length with my sources, and we understand you have connections to a mysterious, eccentric and possibly fictional gentleman named Dr. W. E. B. Sarcofiguy. Can you elaborate and otherwise account for his character?

Dr. Sarcofiguy is just a gentle, fez-wearin' country doctor with a predilection for horror films. For the past 15 or so years, he's been host of both The Spooky Movie Show and Spooky Movie Television. He's guest appeared on such charming programs as Creature Feature with the legendary Count Gore De Vol on countgore.com, and he's been on Monster Madhouse Live with host Karlos Borloff. Dr. Sarcofiguy has also been featured in several documentaries: Virginia Creepers, American Scary, and the ever charmin' Every Other Day Is Halloween. Heck, he's even been featured in several magazines like Fangoria, Horror Hound, and Rue Morgue Magazine. He's an attention whore wrapped in a phenomal phenomenalisation of a phenom, I tell ya!

Here's a little known fact about Doctor Sarcofiguy: He's a qualified sex therapist.

(After a long stare and raised eyebrow) Really.

Yes. He likes to counsel folks in the aftermath of a rotten romp in the hay. He loves getting calls. That is until one time when he was counseling someone over the phone about a particularly dismal episode. The young lady in question was going on and on about how bad it was, when the police broke through the line to explain that the phone call was coming from inside his own house!

Hmmm. Well, we understand that he has a female stalker with romantic designs--who is this mystery woman?

Ah, the mystery lady in question is the adorable Boo DePest as played by the equally adorable Leanna Chamish. Doctor Sarcofiguy, for some odd reason, spurns the advances of the lovely Boo DePest. Why, you can cut the sexual tension between the two with a sexual tension cutter, which I'm heard is available rather inexpensively through QVC! I think George Foreman is a sponsor! He's so industrious, that George Foreman.

The esteemed Dr. Sarcofiguy apparently co-wrote a book with you entitled There Are No Bad Movies (Only Bad Audiences). What is this book about?

It's just like it sounds: There aren't any bad movies, only rotten, or unsuitable audiences for them. Movies are like finding a potential love interest: There's something, or somebody, for everybody!

There Are No Bad Movies (Only Bad Audiences) was basically inspired by every spoiled rotten filmgoer I've ever known. They complain about the plots, and characters, about being too much action, or too little action, or being too long. My philosophy: The movie isn't too long, it's just that you got bored and ran out of patience to sit through it. It's your fault you're not enjoying the movie. The movie is what it is. A piece of entertainment. If you're in the mood to be entertained by it, then awesome.

The book was written to make people take responsibility for why they really can't stand a movie. Because there are snobs out there who won't stop until only the movies they like exist, leaving people who actually enjoy flicks like the recent Conan film, or the spate of remakes, or movies like Human Centipede, to cower their heads in shame at their cinematic choices! Critics should never make a person feel as though they should crucify themselves, or explain their tastes to anyone! For shame, I say. Dr. Sarcofiguy's statement to this: "Smacking you is the sound of one hand clapping!"

Well, quite. But you—or rather, both of you—can be called horror hosts, and "horror host" has many definitions. What is yours?

My definition of a horror host is simply a being who is like a Master of Ceremonies. He/she should be just as entertaining as the films they are showing. And if the film isn't entertaining, then you should psyche folks up to enjoy it nonetheless. A horror host should be a complimentary experience to the films shown.

You have other creative projects. Will you please share?

Well, Dr. Sarcofiguy has an album called DOCTOR SARCOFIGUY- The Many Moods of Dr. Sarcofiguy, which is available as an MP3 exclusively through Amazon.com! There are songs about werewolves, vampires, and serial killers. And songs of love! Yesss. There are two music videos available for perusing on Youtube. One for "My Girlfriend Is On Fire," and the other "Nosferatu" which features the charming Boo DePest.

I also have a comic entitled Gurlimann’s Bizarre Bazaar (available through Indy Planet, or wherever comics are sold!) which features a horror host, of sorts, named Evelyn Gurlimann. It's for the David Lynch/Edward Gorey/Emily the Strange crowd. There are promo videos for Gurlimann’s on Youtube. Hell, I have a Youtube channel featuring a lot of promotional art and such.

Interesting. What is your viewpoint on the current state of horror cinema?

I'm so loving the grindhouse resurgence in films. Hobo With a Shotgun was amazing. And I'm enjoying some of the reboots of films. I thought Fright Night was an excellent revisit. It was true to the original, while being a thing unto itself. And the acting was incredible. I also enjoy the films that still rely on your own story/sensibilities as your enter into the theater, like the first Paranormal Activity film. And I like those old-school-creepy but intelligent films like Insidious.

So I guess I'm saying that the current state of films is doing just fine. They seem to be trying to make them intelligent and scary without being overtly "torture gore," you know? Like the Saw films. I wasn't a very good audience for those films. But God bless those who love 'em, though! (See how it works?!)

Neither was I, although I found the first one a most interesting presentation, and I certainly would deny no one else their cinematic pleasures. But in light of the season, what is your favorite Halloween memory?

My favorite Halloween memory is me making devil head ornaments out of papier-mache for my first Halloween tree. That was about, um--five years ago! My childhood memories of Halloween were a blur of bad Ben Cooper masks cutting into my eyes, because the rubber bands bound the masks too tightly to my skull! Oh, and all the sweat streaming into my eyes because the plastic never let your pores breathe! And the fact that I was a little black kid wearing this incongruently white face! Too Hannibal Lecter for me! Hee!

What will you do for Halloween this year?

Put up the Halloween tree, carve pumpkins, and contemplate looking at at least two out of the three movies I like looking at on Halloween: Halloween III: Season Of The Witch, I, Madman, or Torture Garden. Mind you, I tend to look at them all year long, but it's even more special on Halloween. Especially Halloween III!

A most proper seasonal celebration indeed. It’s been lovely, Mr. Dimes, and thank you very much for doing this with us!

No problem! Thanks for the invite, y'all! Stay Crepusculariously Creepy!

So there is my chat with Mr. Dimes, and if you will click on the various links throughout our interview, you will find more information on all his various projects and a few other delights as well. I think I shall curl up with a spooky movie myself before our next visit, so do return for more fabulous frights on The MonsterGrrls' Thir13en For Halloween. Be careful, darlings... it's getting dark earlier, don't you know...

Regards,
Bethany Ruthven

ATTACK OF THE HORROR HOSTS!! By John Rose

It's that time of fear again, folks!  The Grrls and I bid you welcome to the 2011 edition of The MonsterGrrls' Thir13en For Halloween, and our first post for the Ghost Wonderful Time Of The Year is about a purely American but little-heralded art form--that of the Horror Host.  Yes, we are talking about those television presenters dressed in cheap Halloween costumes, being filmed on even cheaper sets, usually working late into the night at local TV stations, bringing you classic and not-so-classic scary movies of days gone by.  Some people hate them, other people love them, and still other people view them as either a way to pass the time before commercial breaks or an interruption of the movie that allows for gathering of snacks and drinks.  But the horror host has a long and varied history, and is credited with the advent of what is known as Monster Culture among a certain cross-section of the American population.

A Ghastly Grimoire: The "Shock" promo book cover

The first appearance of this phenomenon is open to debate, but it all began with the release of what is known as the "Shock!" package, a collection of 52 classic Universal Studios horror films released to syndicated television in October of 1957.  In the 1950's, most local TV stations produced their own programming, having booth announcers and hosts (or hostesses) introduce shows, read commercials, and so on.  Promotional documentation included with the Shock Package both suggested and encouraged the use of a TV presenter for broadcast, and the Shock Package wound up being shown on late-night TV with a costumed "horror" host, who engaged in all sorts of odd and macabre antics and dark-themed comedy.  The concept was met with great success, and soon "horror hosts" presenting the Shock Package popped up in local markets all across America.

The lady is a Vamp...

Though the identity of the "first" widely known horror host is open to debate, it is generally considered to be Vampira.  In 1953, struggling actress/model Maila Nurmi made a splash at choreographer Lester Horton's annual Bal Caribe Masquerade in Los Angeles, dressed in a Charles-Addams-inspired costume that caught the eye of local KABC-TV producer Hunt Stromberg, Jr.  After a frantic search by Stromberg to find Nurmi, she was hired to host horror and suspense movies as a character of her own creation; "Vampira," a graveyard sex goddess stitched together from bits of Theda Bara, Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs' Evil Queen character, and the comic strip Terry And The Pirates' Dragon Lady, with a bit of fetish-wear appeal thrown in.  Though Vampira was only seen in L.A., the ghostess soon gained national attention with articles and photos in Newsweek, Life, and TV Guide, leading to several appearances by Nurmi on nationwide TV shows such as Ed Sullivan's Toast Of The Town and The Red Skelton Show.

A handsome ghoul

Shortly thereafter came Zacherley, the next horror host to gain widespread attention.  In 1957, a Philadelphia-based repertory actor named John Zacherle was hired as a horror host for the Shock Package at WCAU-TV in Philadelphia.  Appearing as a cadaverous, undertakeresque character who lived in a crypt with his wife "My Dear," a staked midget-sized corpse in a coffin, and "Gasport," an unseen dead thing in a canvas sack, Zacherle garnered popularity through a series of gory-goofy sight gags that have since become a TV standard, but at the time were considered revolutionary.  Zacherle moved up to New York affiliate WOR-TV, where his character's name "Roland" was dropped  and replaced with a re-spelling of his own name--Zacherley.  The rest, of course, is history: Zacherley would go on to host horror movies well into the 1960's, create several horror-themed records (the most famous of these being the 1958 novelty single "Dinner With Drac") and even edit two collections of horror stories. 

John Stanley and Bob Wilkins--stay up, fans, it's worth it

Through the work of Vampira and Zacherley, Monster Culture, which more or less formed the first community of horror fans, was now live, and other hosts gained popularity, notoriety, and fond remembrances in their own markets and beyond.  The Shock Package would soon expand into the now well-known Creature Features package, which would not only include our old friends the Universal Monsters but also many classic science-fiction films, Roger Corman's B-movies starring Vincent Price, the Hammer horror films, and Japanese movie monsters, and the horror host phenomenon would include such notables as Cleveland's Ghoulardi and Sir Graves Ghastly; San Francisco's Bob Wilkins, who inspired and mentored Cinema Insomnia's Mr. Lobo; Washington, D.C.'s Count Gore De Vol, who inspired such hosts as Monster Madhouse's Karlos Borloff and Spooky Movie Television's Dr. Sarcofiguy; Virginia's The Bowman Body; and even Elvira, Mistress Of The Dark and Mystery Science Theater 3000.  The phenomenon extended to the Internet when Gore De Vol, removed from TV airwaves after his station's local programming was canceled in 1987, began to present weekly streaming video of movies and shorts hosted by the Count himself--and no doubt inspiring other horror fans who now share their passions in homemade videos posted on Youtube, Facebook, and other social media.

"No more Creature Features?  Bah!  I'll do it myself!"

And if you're a fan or follower of a local horror host, you've probably heard all this before.  So why are these characters--not only Vampira and Zacherley, but the other numerous hosts who sprang up in their wake--considered important?  Because they perform a worthwhile service to fans of horror--or even those who may not be fans--by drawing them in and making them a part of the show, rather than just being passive voyeurs sitting in the dark in front of a flickering screen.  Even more importantly, they foster a sense of community among their fans and other lovers of horror and the macabre, which is becoming more and more necessary in the wake of an entertainment industry that is becoming increasingly disconnected and out of touch with the public at large.  Not every horror fan is enamored of endless sequels, Eighties slasher remakes, and excessive gore and special effects masquerading as "horror," which makes the Hollywood media machine see them as odd men out.  Fortunately, the horror hosts are still with us, standing in the cold light of an open castle archway or the midnight fog of an abandoned graveyard, offering laughs, scares, and plain old entertainment to horror fans, sitting down with us to watch that certain old cheesy movie that awakens a strange affinity in us that we cannot explain, and wearing strange/cheap/creepy/colorful/campy/spooky/interesting/sexy/fill-in-the-adjective-of-your-choice-here costumes while doing it.  And sometimes they even bring friends.

So in addition to our usual news, reviews and Halloween goofiness, this year we open the Thir13en For Halloween with a salute to the Horror Hosts, and we hope you'll join us as we talk to several of these folks and see what makes them tick and why they do what they do.  And we hope you'll stick around.  You might even make some new fiends.

Happy Halloween out there, whatever you are!!


MAD DOCTOR'S NOTE:  E-Gor's Chamber of Horror Hosts, which has an exhaustive listing of horror hosts old and new, can be found here.  Also, the Horror Host Graveyard can be accessed by clicking our title link.  --J.R.

WRITERS ON THE STORM: KATRINA RENEE BYRD By Punkin Nightshade

Hey, ya'll, this is Petronella Nightshade, what am Punkin, reportin again for Tales From The Monster Shop. We are gon' be gettin riled up for Halloween pretty soon, but today I am doin another segment of Writers On The Storm, what features writers from our Mad Doctor Mr. John's home territory. Today I am speakin with the very lively Miss Katrina Renee Byrd, who is based out of Jackson what is in Mississippi, and this lady is somethin right enough. She is an author, playwriter, performer, actress, and ever other kind of thing, which probly makes her one of them Renassiance folk what does a whole lot of creative things and gets up to all kind of didoes. So here is me and Miss Byrd talkin.

Welcome to the Monster Shop, Miss Katrina! Please tell my readers out there all about yourself and what you are doin.

Thanks, Punkin. I’m so glad to be here. Oooo, Grrl, I like your hair.

As a little girl growing up in Jackson, Mississippi I always knew that I would be a writer. I used to write stories as a child and teen. My first piece was titled “Tony the Turkey,” which was about Tony’s frightening moments as he sat, roasted to perfection, on the Thanksgiving table.

Several years ago I decided to actively pursue my dream of being a writer. As I became immersed in the local artist community I found I had other talents as well. I’m a writer, playwright, actress, performer and teaching artist. If I had to use only one word to describe what I do I’d use the word storyteller. As a writer and playwright I tell stories with my writing. As a performer and actor I use the stage to tell stories and as a teaching artist I share the story of how I tell stories to help others create and enhance their own stories.

I understand that you're both an author and playwriter. What inspired you to do them things?

I was born with a hereditary eye disease, congenital cataracts. I also had a wandering eye and I wore thick glasses. I was teased and bullied a lot so as a way to escape the insults I wrote stories. In these stories I was always the hero and those who treated me badly were the bad people who had to be conquered. Now, however, my inspiration to write comes from my experiences and the people that I meet.

Well, there is an awful lot of inspiration what comes from adversity. But who is your favorite author or playwriter?

I have several authors that I really love. Stephen King, Ann Patchet, Barbara Kingsolver and Erica Spindler. I love the way these authors engage the reader. When I read their books I gain a better understanding of writing as an art. For example, I read Run by Ann Patchet about three years ago and I still find myself thinking of pieces of the story over tea or when I’m knitting or working in the yard. These writers use words like an artist uses his brush. They paint vivid images by using phrasing and words.

I think I have way too many favorite playwrights to name! (laughs)

Our Mad Doctor likes that Stephen King feller too. I hear that some of your work has been performed, and I understand you're also a performer. Can you tell us about that?

I have had some of my short plays performed locally. Several were performed as a part of the Fondren Theatre Workshop’s Twenty-Four-Hour Ten-Minute Play Project. This process is amazing because the playwrights write the plays on Friday night. After the playwright brings the finished script to her team (one director and three actors) they learn lines and blocking and by Saturday night the play is performed. In addition to having a brand new piece, the writer also gets to see it performed and see how the audience accepts it.

I have also had staged readings of several of my plays. Dinsmoor’s Last Stand was read at a historical ceremony hosted by the city of Ridgeland. A staged reading of Death Rattle took place at Rainbow Co-op. The project was funded in part by an Artist Mini-grant from the Mississippi Arts Commission. There was a reading of Justice Is Blind last November during my service as the Center Players' Playwright in Residence.

I am also an actress and performer. One of my most memorable roles is Dutchess in the play HATS: The New Musical For The Rest Of Your Life, directed by Robby Scuchi. Dutchess was a 66 year old diva. The play was based on the Red Hat Society Experience. I loved the character Dutchess because she was confident, creative, full of life and she lived life to the fullest. I have been in several plays since HATS, performed for talent shows, several programs including a voice and piano recital hosted by Cynthia Stuart.

My experiences as a performer and as a writer seeing her work performed have been truly amazing. I am more nervous when I watch my plays being performed than I am when I am when I perform! (laughs) I know that’s a little weird. I am awed, however, that I am able to use all of my artistic abilities in helping others. Oftentimes my work has been a part of fundraisers for programs such as HeArts Against Aids, The Women’s Fund, Contact The Crisis Line, etc. At this point in my life I’m not able to contribute financially to these worthy organizations. It is a wonderful feeling to know that I can help by writing or performing.\

Miss Katrina, you probly got a heart as big as all outdoors to do all them things. You call yourself a "teachin artist." Can you explain what you do there?

One goal of the teaching artist, according to Eric Booth, is to create lifelong learners. A teaching artist’s job is to awaken an awareness in “culturally suppressed yearnings” in all ages and then guide this “aliveness” into artistic engagement.

As a teaching artist I share the art of story telling through arts integrated activities, telling my story and listening to the stories of others. During my service as a teaching artist I have developed several workshops, talks and performances. Dramatist to Dramatist is a play writing workshop where participants learn principles of play writing, funding sources for serious literary artists and how to get their ideas on paper. The Story Goes On is a talk that I’ve developed for college students. During the talk I use Justice is Blind, a story that I have written in both short story form and play form, to illustrate the difference between fiction writing and play writing. The other workshop that I’ve developed is titled Story Recipe. This workshop is for children third to fifth grade (it can be modified for any grade level). In the workshop students analyze text, discuss the process of writing a story then create their own stories which are read at the end of the lesson.

This summer I had the privilege of working with young playwrights, actors and directors at the Spectrum Camp hosted by the Southern Cultural Heritage Foundation in Vicksburg, MS. In one week we wrote ten minute plays, designed sets, learned lines and blocking. All of the plays were performed at the end of the camp. That was an amazing time.

Also, as part of my job as a teaching artist, I do performances. I have been invited to Sunnybrook Independent Living Facility for their Red Hatters’ Tea. So, basically I show up as Dutchess and I do a couple of Red Hat numbers. On my last visit the ladies got up and danced with me!! We had us some fun that day, YES we did!!

I swan that you did! But where can folks what wants to read it find your published work?

I have two short stories that have been published by Black Magnolias Literary Magazine. I also have a chapbook titled Justice is Blind. Justice is Blind has one of my monologues and two short stories. To place an order send an email to my email address here. I am currently working on a project titled Portrait of a Woman. It is a collage of my fiction, poetry and play writing all centered around the female experience. I received an Artist Minigrant from the Mississippi Arts Commission to do a staged reading of this piece on March 11, 2012 at Lumpkin’s BBQ in Jackson.

As I’ve grown as a writer I have also been able to learn more about me and the way the world works. As a child I always wanted to be normal. I prayed and prayed to have eyes like everyone else’s. In April of 2009 I had a surgery that straightened the right eye. In July of 2010 I had a lens implant in the right eye and in September of 2010 I had a lens implant in the left eye. It is so amazing the things I have to relearn now that I have better vision. And, of course, this makes for more interesting and humorous stories!!

Grrl, this has been fun. Thanks so much for inviting me here today.

You are so welcome, Miss Katrina, and thank you!

So that there is my interview with Miss Katrina Renee Byrd. If you are readin this postin and are on that Facebook, you can follow Miss Katrina and all her doin's right here. I got to go now, cause we got all kind of things to be doin for the upcomin season, but I shall see you soon, and blessings be on you!

Sincerely,

Petronella "Punkin" Nightshade

WRITERS ON THE STORM: WENONA HULSEY By Punkin Nightshade

Well, howdy! This here is Petronella Nightshade, but everbody calls me Punkin, and up here at the Monster Shop we are all in a swivet cause we been some kind of busy. Our Mad Doctor Mr. John has been finishin up his next book what's about us MonsterGrrls and our adventures, but he has also met up with a bunch of other writer folks on that Facebook, and so we are now helpin them out with our new feature here on this blog, Writers On The Storm. Today I am speakin with Miss Wenona Hulsey, who is a writer gal and has done up some fantasy stories for young ones what are a right smart. So here we are talkin.

Hey there! Can you introduce yourself to my readers?

Hi, Punkin! I'm Wenona Hulsey and I write paranormal romance/urban fantasy novels. I'm also the mother of two beautiful children, ages 6 and 15.

We hear you write books and such. How did you get into writin?

I started out as an avid reader. I would devour three and four books a week for all different genres. Writing was a natural transition for me. I knew what I loved to read in a book and how I begged for the next great emotional roller coaster ride that I found in the well written stories so I sat down to write my own ideas out. Before I knew it, I had not only a novel written but a great short story too.

What was some writers who inspired you?

I've always been a fan of Stephen King; he has a gift for making you read with all the lights on in your house. But the true inspiration came from author HP Mallory. Not only did I love her books, which are also paranormal romances like mine, but she is a great person who was always there when I first started writing with a word of support. She also started out self-publishing and did very well.

Our Mad Doctor likes that Stephen King too. But please tell us about your latest books, Burden Of Blood and Blood Awakening.

Blood Awakening and Burden of Blood kind of go hand in hand. Blood Awakening gives you a look into the lives of Nicole Keenan and her best friend Kat before their lives are turned upside down by an ancient grudge and powers that were hidden away in Nicole. It also lets you see what starts the chain of events that unfolds in my novel Burden of Blood. I don't want to give too much away, but let's just say there are some strong warriors and feisty fairies kicking some tail in this modern-day story.

Well, them fairies is bad news where I come from. But I hear you incorporate Irish folklore into your stories. What specific myths are you talkin about?

There are actually several ideas from Irish folklore incorporated into my book; I had a lot of fun researching these parts. There are small things like the Wych elm surrounding a graveyard. The Irish believed the tree was a protector of burial areas and aided the dead souls' passage to the underworld. I also incorporate the belief that the last person who is buried in a graveyard is a type of caretaker to the souls in purgatory, carrying them water as they await judgement, until someone else is buried. My main characters are Celtic warriors and fairies, so you can't get much more Irish than that.

What's some of your other novels or upcomin projects?

I'm currently working on Blood of Fire; it will finish up the Nicole Keenan series. I have a idea banging around in my head for a murder mystery that I keep writing down random notes about. It will be quite different from writing romances, but I just can't ignore a great idea.

So that there is my interview with Miss Hulsey, and you can find her books at both that Amazon and Barnes And Noble. She also does some bloggin like us, and clickin on her picture up there will take you right to it so you can find out all about her latest projects and what she's up to. As for me, it is first one thing and then another round here, but I shall see you next time, and blessings be on you and yours!

Sincerely,

Petronella "Punkin" Nightshade

MAD DOCTOR'S NOTE: As Punkin said, Wenona Hulsey's novels and stories are available from both Amazon and Barnes And Noble, so if you are in the mood for good paranormal romance, click on the covers and links in our article to check 'em out. You'll need a Kindle for Amazon and/or a Nook for B&N; if you don't have one, software apps for them can be found on both sites for most computers and handheld devices. --M.D.

WRITERS ON THE STORM: MARK MILLER AND THE EMPYRICAL TALES By Harriet Von Lupin

Hi there, culture gang! This is Harriet Von Lupin reporting for Tales From The Monster Shop, and we've been way busy around here getting ready for our second book of adventures (coming soon!). Our Mad Doctor recently joined up with a gang of writers who are also doing their own thing, and us Grrls got curious, y'know, wanting to make sure this was a good thing. (We love our Mad Doctor, but he's still a Mad Doctor, y'know.) So we're talking to some of these guys, and that's led to our newest feature here on the Monster Shop blog--Writers On The Storm!!


Our first victim--er, interviewee for this is a guy named Mark Miller, who hails from Florida and is currently writing his own fantasy series called The Empyrical Tales. I got interested in this because it's got werewolves in it (!!), and I sat down to talk to Mr. Mark and see what was doing, so here's our interview.

Hi there! Can you tell us a bit about yourself, please?

Thanks for having me, and I don't mean for dinner! What do you want to know about me? I'm a writer; it's in my blood. I'm struggling to be a teacher too, but that's been hit or miss. I love it and the kids love me, but it's tough to be a teacher these days. Mostly I try to focus on my writing, my wife of twelve years and my four amazing children.

Hey, dude, I'm a werewolf--we're all about the family. But what got you into writing?

As I said, it's in the blood. I'm named after Mark Twain and my father was an "old newspaperman". I've been writing fairly constantly since high school, but only recently pursued it as a career option.

OK, so Mad Doc tells me you're working on a fantasy series called The Empyrical Tales. Tell us about it, please!

The Empyrical Tales from Comfort Publishing was something I started writing for my own children. I created a place where all of the myths, folklore and fairytales of my youth could exist in a place for them. I saw an opportunity to create some positive female role models. I thought I could use the series to show my daughters, and other girls, that it is okay to be strong, independent and confident.

Book 1: The Fourth Queen laid the foundation for what will eventually be a series of eight books. Book 2: The Lost Queen, along with its predecessor, have received great reviews. Book 3: The Secret Queen is due out in June 2012 and I am hard at work on Book 4: The First Queen. It has developed into a positive and inspiring story for girls and boys of all ages.

So cool! Positive role models for kids, good life lessons--dude, you could be kindred in my Clan! And speaking of that, I hear THE EMPYRICAL TALES has werewolves. What legends or movies did you base your werewolves on?

Oh, you like the werewolves, huh? Mine are bad guys, plain and simple. I was a bit of a horror junkie in my late teens and saw all the classics. Our younger readers out there will have to put these movies pretty low in their Netflix cue, because you definitely need to be old enough to watch them. With that said, I have four words for you: American Werewolf In London. My pets are a little more "native" and mean, but they spend a lot of time on four legs. The Howling also plays in the back of my head when I write my wolfmen, but its not so much the imagery as it is the feeling.

Well, even in these more enlightened times for monsterkind, we've still got bad-guy werewolves too. House-training's a process, y'know. As a writer, what and who are some of your favorite books and authors?

You can guess the big ones--Narnia, Lord of the Rings. I also enjoyed the Prydain Chronicles, but one of my all time favorites is Heinlein's Starship Troopers. Very different from the movie!

Oh, yeah. We saw that movie, and, well, eeew. But what other projects are you working on?

Plenty to choose from. The Empyrical Tales is under a full head of steam and moving right along. I am also working with a faith-based movie production company to help with the scripts and adapt them into novel form. My first with them, Daniel's Lot, should be available very soon from Trestle Press. And Trestle has asked me to head up a new inspirational series: Mark Miller's One. That is going to be a lot of fun and a little emotional. The concept is that we are trying to draw spiritual authors to share their true experiences of faith in an open, non-denominational format. My first story in that series should be available by the end of the week.

Thank you, Harriet, for spending some time with me. I enjoyed being here and I can't wait to see what you and your friends are up to next.

Awww!! Thank you for letting me interview you, too!

Righteous words from a righteous dude, gang, and you can find out more info on Mark Miller and all his writings by checking out his blog, MillerWords.com. And if you click on all the links we put through here, you can find and buy all his cool stuff!

See you next time here in the Monster Shop! OWW-WOOOOOO!!!

Love,
Harriet Von Lupin

HEX KITTENS GO TO COLLEGE: AN INTERVIEW WITH SHANNON CUMMINGS By Punkin Nightshade

Hey there! This here is Petronella Nightshade, what am called Punkin. I swan if things ain't happenin mighty fast round here--Mr. John our Mad Doctor is finishin up his second book of our adventures, what's due soon, and now me and the other MonsterGrrls will be part of a college thesis!

For them that don't know, a thesis is a paper what college students must write to prove to their teachers that all that learnin paid off and they should get their degree. We was called up by a young lady named Shannon Cummings, what is from up in Virginia and is goin to college up there, and since she is a MonsterGrrls fan she was askin if Mr. John would talk to her about his book for her paper. So I decided to do some talkin to her of my own, to see what she was about, and so here is a few quick questions what I asked her. (Matter of fact, I think she might be wantin to be a witch her ownself!)

Howdy do! Can you tell us a little bit about who you are and what you're doin?

Well, Punkin, I am a yogini pursuing a Masters in Children’s Literature at Hollins University in Roanoke, Virginia, and on her way to an English Literature Ph.D program at University of Louisiana at Lafayette! 

Well, that sounds excitin!  But we hear you are writin a thesis which our book is part of.  How did MonsterGrrls become part of your thesis?

Well, I am particularly interested in the notion of the Female Gothic and how it relates to the adolescent female in contemporary Gothic novels.  MonsterGrrls kinda fell into my lap and I couldn’t be more grateful!

What will your thesis be about, and what are you majorin in up at college?

I specifically study Children’s Literature, but my interest is the Gothic in Child Lit and all those lovely creepy aspects of it and how children seem so innately attracted to it.  My thesis approaches this, but specifically with the female as I have created a “Girl Gothic” model to kind of be a filter from the adult Female Gothic to the Young Adult.

Sounds interestin, but I suppose Bethany would know more about Gothic than I would.  But are you interested in writin, or thinkin of becomin an author yourself?

I would indeed love one day to have a YA book, written specifically about Halloween. Punkin, do you think you or any of the Grrls would help me draft one day?! If anybody knows anything about Halloween, it’s gotta be you guys!

Why, sure!  But who is your favorite writer?

My favorite author is E. B. White.

What are you plannin to do with your degree?

Hopefully to teach, write books, and have enough money to decorate my home to the nines on Halloween!

So that is my interview with Miss Shannon.  If you are hankerin for somethin to read and have not read our first book, all you got to do is click on our title link above, and it will take you to that Amazon so's you can get your very own copy, and go round tellin folks that you are readin important literature. I shall see you all again soon, cause there is first one thing and then another goin on at the Monster Shop and I do not know whatever next.  Until then, blessings be on you!

Sincerely,
Petronella "Punkin" Nightshade

DISSECTING VALENTINE By John Rose

Mad Doctor

The poster

Warning: If you have not previously viewed this movie, there may be spoilers.

I hate Valentine's Day.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm OK with love, statements and expressions thereof, chocolate, and so forth.  But I despise completely the idea that there should be one single day where all of this should be ramped up to outrageous proportions when we're supposed to be showing love to significant people all the time anyway.  So with this in mind, I shall examine the horror movie Valentine for today's Tales From The Monster Shop installment.

Valentine showed up in 2001, and came dragging in at the end of the post-Scream revival of the teen slasher movie genre, which consisted largely of the Scream, I Know What You Did Last Summer, and Urban Legend franchises, and to some extent the Halloween H20 film.  Directed by Jamie Blanks (who had also directed Urban Legend), Valentine was a slasher film with a Valentine's Day theme, and was poorly received by moviegoers despite the participation of David Boreanaz (of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Angel and Bones fame) and Denise Richards, both of whom were popular stars among its target audience.  Compared to the continuous self-referencing of the Scream series, Valentine was seen as a poorly executed throwback to a more conventional mode of slasher film.

The bad little girl and the good little girl

Despite the flaws in the movie, the core idea is a good one.  At a school dance in 1998, the geeky and socially inept Jeremy Melton is spurned by four girls: Paige (who grows up to be Denise Richards later), Kate (Marley Shelton, who is the only kind one), Shelley (Katherine Heigl), and Lily (Jessica Cauffiel).  He momentarily seems to connect with Dorothy (Jessica Capshaw), a chubby-but-cute girl who betrays him when they are discovered making out underneath the bleachers by a group of bullies.  Dorothy accuses Jeremy of forcing himself on her, and Jeremy is dragged out, stripped and beaten up in front of the school, which causes him to have a heavy nosebleed.  (Later it is revealed that Jeremy was wrongfully sent away to reform school because of Dorothy's accusation.)

Seeing Shelley off

Fast-forward thirteen years later.  The girls from the dance have grown up and are all fairly well-to-do, but they are still largely the same people they were in 1998: Kate is still nice and kind, Lily is still silly and outgoing, Dorothy still has issues about her weight and size despite having grown up to be rich, pretty and sophisticated, and Paige is still bitchy and promiscuous.  All of them are suffering from boyfriend troubles (one can hardly wonder why) and Shelley, who is the first victim, is killed in the morgue of the hospital where she is studying medicine shortly after an unpleasant first date.  Before her death, Shelley receives an ugly, horrific Valentine card and is pursued by a killer wearing a Cupid mask, who suffers a massive nosebleed shortly after.  This and the signature "JM" on the card (which is also on subsequent cards sent to other victims), rather strongly assure the viewer that the killer is a returned and vengeful Jeremy Melton, and the rest of the film is merely about watching the other girls become victims or try to figure out (in a somewhat goggle-eyed mixture of Grand Guignol and Scooby-Doo) who in the movie is really Jeremy Melton, and watching the story, or lack thereof, unfold.

Is that you, Jeremy?

Of course, I cannot say with a straight face that this is a four-star movie; like other slasher movies that came out during the Scream era (which itself was a rather poorly executed parody of slasher movies, which led to the even more poorly executed parody of a parody known as Scary Movie, and its subsequent putrid brethren), it suffers from an almost suffocating blandness that is not present in other "slasher genre" films, even the low-budget ones.  Valentine is curiously a bloodless film, despite the Cupid Killer's escalating proficiency with weapons beginning with the simple kitchen knife and proceeding to utilize a bow and arrow before creating the customary Horrid Gore Scene by impaling one victim on a spike of broken shower glass.  It can't even seem to muster horror out of his cavalier attitude towards collateral damage: in this film, if a secondary character steps in the way of the Master Plan, they are killed even though they were not part of the Terrible Past Event That Led To This Horror.  These victims include Campbell (Daniel Cosgrove), Dorothy's ne'er-do-well boyfriend who is trying to con her out of her inheritance; Ruthie (Hedy Burress), Campbell's bitter ex-girlfriend who tries to tip off the Scoobyless Gang to Campbell's plans; and Detective Leon Vaughn (a rather wooden Fulvio Cecere), who sets the whole mess in further motion by investigating the death of Shelley.  There are even fewer prizes for its acting: David Boreanaz, who turns up as Kate's sort-of-alcoholic boyfriend Adam (it is never clearly explained if Adam is a recovering alcoholic or just a guy who likes to drink too much), mostly does a slightly sunnier version of his tortured-schlub shtick from Angel.

And soon the screaming starts...

Despite all these flaws, I find myself rather liking this movie.  The core idea behind this, as I said, was a quite good one, and it does not veer into true self-referentialism as Scream did.  Plus, the movie tries too hard to create a sense of true horror to be viewed as a parody, and Blanks introduces a few subtle foreshadowing touches into the movie (red is a recurring color scheme throughout, and each girl meets her end in pretty much the manner she insulted Jeremy at the beginning of the movie).  If the slasher snobs and saber-rattlers among horrordom can relax long enough to truly enjoy the utter silliness of this movie, Valentine might just wind up being the Scream Generation's version of Plan Nine From Outer Space.  So if you have no sweetie for Valentine's, or even if you do, curl up and enjoy.

MAD DOCTOR'S NOTE: Valentine is available from most preferred video rental outlets, or you may buy it here at Amazon.com.  Caveat emptor.